Best Laid Plans
by StargateNerd
Summary: Alternatively titled: Carlton has no clue why he even tries anymore. When Shawn and Juliet agree to go after the same thing together, the rest of the world shudders in fear. Carlton just wonders what he did to deserve this.


**A/N:** There isn't enough Shassiet out there, so I decided to rectify that :) This takes place somewhere after Shawn and Juliet get together in Season 5, but before Lassie meets Marlowe in Season 6.

Reviews/comments are very much welcome! :)

* * *

Both Shawn and Juliet were people who believed that love should be fun. Naturally, once they finally got their heads out of their asses, this lead to quite a lot of sex. Fun sex. Very fun sex. And fun is meant to be shared, which led to their current conversation.

"Not Gus."

"Definitely not Gus," Juliet agreed. "I mean, he's attractive, but... he's Gus."

Shawn nodded."Plus he's like my brother, and I don't do incest."

"Declan?" Juliet suggested.

Shawn made a face. "Could we not? He probably has threesomes all the time anyways."

"It would probably be kind of awkward too," Juliet added.

"How abo- no, that'd be _super _awkward," Shawn grimaced.

"Who?" Juliet wondered at the uncharacteristic look on her boyfriend's face.

"Joy," he muttered.

"Gus's sister?" Juliet laughed.

"I was trying to think of any women we both know who might be up for this!" Shawn defended.

"I think the only worse suggestion you could've come up with would be Lauren." Juliet poked Shawn in the stomach.

"Hey- don't-" Shawn giggled, then tried to roll Juliet over to get at her sides. A short tickle fight ended with Shawn out of breath, he and Juliet facing each other on their sides, and the covers flung all over the bed.

"What about Carlton?" Juliet said after a moment. "Or is all that flirting you do just that?"

"Wait wait, we went from Lauren to..." Shawn cocked his head a little and smirked. "I'm not the only one with a crush on our head detective and also maybe possibly a gun kink?"

Juliet smiled mischievously. "You have a gun kink, Shawn?"

"It was kind of inevitable; though you with that axe on the Scary Sherry case, that was both scary _and _hot. Back to Lassie - I'm not the only one affected by his Irish charm?" He did something borderline obscene with his eyebrows, which sent Juliet into a giggling fit.

"He _is _very attractive, and also cuddly."

"Late night stakeouts?"

"Yeah. How's his lap?"

"Quite comfy really," Shawn mused. "Especially considering how stiff he was at the time."

"Was it him who was stiff or was it _him?_" Juliet gave her own eyebrows a waggle.

"Jules, I don't kiss and tell!" Shawn gasped dramatically. "Why I'm shocked you would ask such a thing! But since you did ask, it was just him, though there may have been a little Lassie Jr. action going on afterwards."

"Now Shawn, I'm sure there's nothing junior about him," Juliet chided, holding back her giggles.

In the end, they decided to put _Operation: Seduce Lassie Into Our Awesometacular Bed _(yes, Shawn named it) into action the following Tuesday.

"So I'll do the seducing and you'll do the talking?" Shawn asked as he perched on Juliet's desk.

"No, we'll _both _do the seducing," Juliet corrected. "And I'll do the calming. Where's Gus?"

"Off at his 'real' job," Shawn scoffed. "By the way, I've got a totally foolproof plan!" He rummaged a moment in the plastic bag he'd set on Juliet's desk. "Ta-da!" He brandished a green t-shirt with the words "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" on the front. "Neat, huh?" Shawn grinned.

"How is this supposed to work?" Juliet asked, bewildered.

"Spencer, what the hell are you doing?"

"Lassie!" Shawn spun in the detective's direction. "How's the arm?"

"It's not Saint Patrick's Day," Lassiter said, ignoring the question.

"No, but it _is _the annual Potato Kitsch celebratory day!" Shawn told him. "Here Jules." He handed her the shirt. "I've got another in the bag for Lassie," he winked.

"O'Hara, don't even think of putting that on," Lassiter ordered while glaring at Shawn. "Spencer, get your crap out of here."

"But Lassie, it's tradition!" Shawn whined.

"I. Don't. Care," Lassiter glared.

"C'mon, don't be such a sour face," Shawn cajoled. He unzipped his sweatshirt and quickly shrugged it off, then held out his arms. "C'mon, lay one on me."

"I would rather attend a ceramics class with Elvis," the detective nearly growled, his scowl becoming more pronounced at the sight of Shawn's own "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" shirt.

"Ooh, that actually sounds fun," Shawn said in an aside to Juliet, who looked quite amused. "Can we do both?"

"_Spencer!_"

The psychic looked back with an expression of devil-may-care innocence. "Yes, Lassie-dear?"

"If you do not stop embarrassing both of us in front of not only O'Hara, but the rest of the station, I _will _discharge my weapon. Repeatedly." The two men were nearly chest to chest now, and Lassiter loomed with a near murderous glare over Shawn.

"Why Lassie, I had no idea you felt that way," Shawn teased, batting his eyelashes ridiculously.

"Spencer, I swear I will-"

"Carlton, if you're worried about embarrassing me or leaving me out, you could just give me a kiss after you give Shawn one," Juliet suggested, calm as you please.

"Wh- but-" Lassiter looked both scared and bewildered, his eyes wide and his pupils small.

"Yeah, can't leave Jules out," Shawn agreed. "We're a package deal!"

"Detective O'Hara, I finished my report about the animal attack-" McNab stopped as he became aware of the tense situation he'd just stepped into.

"Thank you McNab." Juliet stood up from her desk and took the file from him. "I have to go deal with this; Shawn, why don't you come with me?"

"But Jules, I wanna-"

"We'll be out of your hair Carlton," the blonde detective smiled at him. "Think about it though."

"But the spirits, they want me to- ow!" Shawn rubbed the back of his head where Juliet hit him with the folder.

Lassiter just stared after the retreating couple, completely out of it for a moment before he realized that he was staring at both of their asses. "I need a drink," he muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair as he most definitely did not dwell on what had happened at all, as that was his tried and mostly true method of dealing with things.

McNab stood there for a moment before he said, "I'm gonna... go," and trotted off with an awkward smile.

It took a while, but Lassiter threw himself into his work and did his best not to think about either Spencer or O'Hara. However, it was difficult to ignore them,even in their absence, given that one of them worked just across from him. Or maybe it was _because _of their absence...

About forty-five minutes later, Carlton was in a foul mood as he stalked down the hallway towards the records room. Stupid Dobson couldn't bring all the related files together, and then he had the _audacity _to be on lunch break! In the moment before the door to the records room locked behind him, the hairs on Carlton's neck stood up in warning that he was not alone.

"What the-" was all he got out before he was shoved against the wall. "Spencer," he growled.

"Hey Lassie," Shawn grinned. He was _still _wearing that stupid shirt. "Miss me?"

"Get off me before I throw you off."

"Yeah, well this is all part of the plan, so if you could just stay still and maybe put the files down-"

"No!" Lassiter waved the folders he'd retrieved at Shawn, but the fake psychic just dodged. "Dammit Spencer, get off-!" The police detective slammed back against the wall as Shawn pushed him back, his grip on Lassiter's hips surprisingly strong. "Spencer, you are _not _doing this to O'Hara!"

"Is _that _what you're worried about?" Shawn huffed. "Geez, didn't think you were this dense," he muttered as he fished out his phone. "I'm gonna put Jules on speaker, okay?"

"What the hell does that have to do with-"

"O'Hara."

"Hey Jules!" Shawn greeted cheerfully. "Could you let Lassie know that it's totally okay with you if I ravish him in the records room?"

"What- No, it's not okay!" Juliet retorted.

"See?" Lassiter sneered.

"Dammit Shawn, you were supposed to wait! What's the point if you two get started without me!"

"But Jules," the fake psychic whined.

"No, you're not allowed nookie when I'm not there!"

"O'Hara!"

"Don't sound so scandalized Carlton; you were married, and I know for a _fact_-"

"Yes this sounds very interesting and possibly like very good blackmail material," Shawn interrupted petulantly, "but can I at least make out with him? Get him all ruffled and losing a bit of that iron control he has?" There was silence, and Shawn's grin widened. "I'm sure that even if my charm can't manage to loosen him up, he'd looove to help you _discipline _me later." He looked over to Carlton and purposefully, and very slowly, licked his lips.

The following silence was shorter.

"You have a minute," Juliet said, her voice hushed and slightly breathy. "And Carlton?"

"Yeah?" he asked, his voice a bit high pitched.

"We'll expect you over by six thirty."


End file.
